One of my biggest challenges.....

ANXIETY

Just looking at that word...brings it on. I have been suffering from anxiety pretty much all my life. It really started affecting my life at about age 13. I have a chemical imbalance causing me to have GAD-generalized anxiety disorder, also OCD-obsessive compulsive disorder......super fun let me tell you...NOT! The symptoms of my disorders began with constant stomach aches and feeling nauseous. Went to the doctors several times only to be told that I probably just had a virus.....then I began having other symptoms..... headaches, dizziness, feeling like I was going to pass out. I was convinced there was something wrong and the doctors were missing it. I just knew I had a brain tumor....nobody believed me. I was so convinced I was going to die one night, I even told my mother goodbye. Needless to say I went to the hospital that night by ambulance. I was hospitilized for about a week and had just about every test done possible....nothing found! I was healthy as a horse...is that the saying? At the end of the week my doctor came in and talked to my mom and I and gave me my diagnosis (see above word in bold print)...and told me I would have it for the rest of my life but with the right medications it can be treated. On the way home I wondered how on earth could anxiety make me feel this horrible and make me feel like I was going to die. I got home and began doing my own research on anxiety....its amazing what the "mind" can do to you. I am my own worst enemy. Anyway...after finding the right "cocktail" and going to a counselor for awhile...I learned how to get a grasp on the anxiety for the most part. Sometimes its way to much to just ignore though....it still takes over sometimes. I still catch myself looking up symptoms online if I start feeling bad....I like to diagnose myself...I believe sometimes I have a terminal disease like cancer, heart problems...you name it I got it according to my mind and the internet. I have been having really bad hip pains for awhile....hmmm wonder what it could be?? My mind is racing....ugh! Screw you anxiety I hate you....leave me alone!

It's Just A Small Town World......

I had a long conversation with my best friend tonight afterwards I got to thinking I should totally blog my feelings and lifes challenges....therapy for myself...call it what you want. So here we are....

The title of this post is It's just a small town world....and that is exactly where I live....way to small of a town. Been here for 28, almost 29 years now. Born and raised...at one point I would have said I was proud, but not lately. I just want to live my life...the way I want to live it, not how everyone else wants me to live it. I mean it is my life right??? Some beg to differ apparently. Are other peoples lives so boring they have to live through mine??? I just don't understand. It doesn't matter if I go out in public or stay at home like a hermit someone always has something to say about me. Some people think they know everything about me which in reality they have no idea anything about me. I don't like that some people have an opinion of me just because of what someone else says or thinks. Sometimes I wish I could just pick my stuff and just roll out and go somewhere far away. The only thing that keeps me here is my family and my few close friends. I know what your thinking....the same stuff will happen anywhere you go....and I understand that but at least it will be a fresh start. Nobody will know me...nobody will be there to tell anyone a sack of lies. Maybe then people could create their own opinion about me...not what someone else has put in their head. I would love to meet new people. I would love to show people who I am. I would love to let someone appreciate my big heart! This place is poision and I feel trapped.